It’s been a long year.
This is my fourth quarantine/pandemic-themed (inspired?) post, and if you could have told me back in March that I’d be writing this in December, I would have curled up and wept on the spot. Instead, as each month has passed, I’ve become more and more sad about the entire situation. I’m sure there are more eloquent ways to describe it, but I think “sad” is really the word that describes where most of us are.
I know I’m not the only one who hasn’t felt like writing about it, while simultaneously feeling like focusing on anything else—for public consumption, at least—is an exercise in avoidance and denial. I admire those who have gotten past that internal conflict, especially when it’s been for the sake of others.
Anyway.
Since mid-March, I have seen my career go from a place of near-stagnation (which had lingered for about six months and was financially terrifying) to a point where I am putting in six-day weeks and many nights in order to not fall behind. I have shed almost 50 pounds. I have not seen my family. I have not seen my friends. I have been to the dentist, once. I have lost two family members to Covid. I have yelled at the television. I have yelled at my phone. I turned 45 years old, which does not sound right. I have tried to become the avid reader I once was, to no avail. (I did read a self-help book for the first time, though.) I have listened to so many podcasts. All of the podcasts, maybe. I have reglazed and restored nine steel casement windows. I have struggled with maskne. I have snuggled intensely with Fritz. I have felt extremely grateful that my boyfriend and I can both work at home. (I am even more grateful to have a partner that I love to be around all the time.) I have read way too many news articles at midnight and have watched way too much television news during mealtime. I have doomscrolled at 3AM. I made it through eight seasons of My 600-Lb. Life, and I don’t feel good about that. I voted. I have maintained a day planner. I have not gone out to eat. I have cooked many, many meals. I learned how to cut hair for real. I have gone through multiple bouts of insomnia. I have not, fortunately, gotten sick. Oh, and I really love that bidet.
This is definitely not a complete list, but it’s a rough outline.
Speaking of lists, lists are largely what has gotten me through the chaos of my workload over the past few months. I make multiple lists a day, on paper. I make lists of the lists I need to make. The other thing that’s kept me from grinding my teeth into a fine powder is utilizing timers. Setting a 20-minute timer on my phone and then racing against myself to get any many menial tasks done as possible during that time is pretty much a damn miracle.
ANYWAY. I’m back. I absolutely had to stop blogging for a while, because there are only 24 hours in a day, and I’ve actually become one of those weird people who needs to sleep for at least 7-8 hours a night in order to function properly. Things have leveled out, though, and I finally feel like I have a handle on life-stuff. See that calendar? That’s where I put all of my sticky notes with the names of the book covers I’m working on, and you’ll notice that all of those stickies are currently above the dates rather than on them, meaning everything I’m working on right now is in someone else’s court for the time being. I can’t fully express what a massive relief it is to have gotten to the point where I actually feel like I’m slightly ahead of the game.
So what’s going on with you all? Fill me in! Are you OK? Are you going to be OK? And aside from the full kitchen reveal, what do you want to see here from me—exterior house stuff from the summer, or bathroom renovation details?
58 Comments
Anna — I am so sorry for your losses in your family. What a strange time this is and has been.
Thank you, Kim—I hope you and your husband are faring well! I know you’ve had a long road during all of this. xx
It’s very kind of you, Anna. We are hanging in there.
I am so sorry for your family members in Sweden. Here in France we went into another lockdown at the end of October because case numbers were spiking. But this lockdown has felt much less “lockdown-y” — I’ve continued to go into the office, because the metro is easy and has enough space, and at the office we have enough space.
I am so glad that your work has been voluminous but sorry that you were having to work so much. Glad that things are at a better pace now.
I loved your line about if you had guessed in March you would have been writing this in December . . . it really has been a surreal year. Thankful for Fritz and your partner for you — my kitties and my husband for me.
Your house is soooo beautiful in the snow.
I’m so glad to see you here! I am sorry about the loss of your family members. I work at home as a technical writer and editor, and that has been fine. The loss of so many of my social activities has not been fine. I stay mostly hopeful that we will start getting past the pandemic in the first half of 2021.
Thank you, Laura. They had both been hospitalized for other reasons when they contracted Covid—this has just been a sad time, and it’s so hard to know how to grieve when you cannot be present for those who need your support. I really hope that by this time next year people can at least be safe holding their loved ones.
Oh Anna, I’m so sorry for your losses. I have also lost family members this year (4) – not from Covid – but not being able to have funerals or memorials of any kind has been so hard.
I haven’t eaten in a restaurant since mid-March. Have only seen friends about 5 times for distanced, backyard takeout dinners. (No hugging hello which is SO very foreign for me!). We only go to grocery store, drug store and Home Depot occasionally as doing things around the house is they only thing keeping me sane! But feeling like doing our part by staying home is a good thing to do for our community, so keeping at it!
Hang in there! And, oh, the maskne … $:):&@?! I hear ya!
Sara
Sara, I am so sorry. That is a tremendous amount of loss under any circumstance, but to have to go through it in this of all years must be overwhelming. I’m glad you’ve found some house projects to help get you through—sometimes changing your focus is the only way to manage!
Hey. Hugs. All of this is so true for anyone not in denial these days. We lost a distant family member to COVID, and we’re friends with someone who is a very sick “long hauler.” Terrifying stuff.
On the upside: my husband and I are both able to work from home, and we’re super cozy homebodies by nature. We’ve been focusing on decorating, cooking, and organizing.
PS: We’ll love whatever updates, on whatever topics, you choose to write!
I wonder where we’ll be a year from now, when it’s more clear what lies ahead for “long-haulers.” It’s really terrifying to see something so unknown and still not fully understood spread so rapidly.
Hi Anna! It’s nice to hear from you. I also am very sorry to hear about your loss of family to Covid. I am in LA where the numbers of cases and deaths are just astronomical. Vaccine news is promising so I try to focus on that when things seem utterly hopeless. I enjoy anything you post but TRULY have been waiting for your Hello Tushy review. Glad to hear you’re happy with it but eagerly awaiting the details as I’ve yet to pull the trigger!
I’ll see how much I can come up with to actually write a full review, but so far I have nothing but accolades for the Tushy! It does what it claims, and it’s cut down our TP usage to a fraction of what it was before—a good thing, since stores here never really got back to normal stock levels, and now supplies are completely depleted again.
Hi Anna, Welcome back! I’m sorry to hear about your losses. I lost my Dad – not to Covid but Cancer very suddenly in the spring and then my job (of well over a decade) the same week. It’s been an awful year. Like you, there’s been no funeral, no gatherings, no restaurants, no family, no friends…it’s definitely been a weird year. Glad you’re back. Can this year end already?
I’m really sorry to hear that, Sam. I hope your dad was able to have someone with him in his final days, and that you and his other loved ones will be able to commemorate his life together before too long. Here’s wishing 2021 brings solace.
I am so sorry for your losses! This is strange times and it’s sometimes really hard to wrap my head around it. I am so glad you are back! Glad that you have work and your home looks so cozy in all that snow!
Thank you, Karen!
I’m so happy to see you back! I’m so sorry to hear about your family members. Sad definitely an appropriate word. Congratulations on all the progress despite all the hardships. I vote for BOTH back yard and bathroom!! Bring it on! Your blog is always a bright spot in my day.
Thank you, Laura—I really tried consciously to keep a dark time from getting so dark that I couldn’t function.
I am sorry to hear about your loss. It’s so hard to believe this is our reality. It hasn’t been easy, but I am trying to make the best of it. The boys (both teenagers) were doing great but have slowly started to feel the effects of at-home schooling for so long. They miss their friends. There has been some good, I suppose. We are less “busy” and I am having fun again in the kitchen experimenting after too many years of consistent takeout and restaurant patronage. We are closer as a family and enjoy each other’s company. Mainly, I try to focus on the positive because I am an anxious, negative person by nature. As for what I would like to see here? Anything, really. I enjoy long-form blog writing so much more than short IG captions and tweets. It’s comforting, I suppose.
I think you’re doing a pretty great job of focusing on the positive (while still recognizing the negative), honestly! And by the way, I’m so happy you’ve returned to blogging regularly. It IS comforting!
Glad to see you’re back! Yours was one of the first blogs I followed and I’ve always been interested in what’s up in your world. 50 pounds?? Holy shit! And I’m so happy to hear books and their covers are still a thing. As for me, I’ve put on the weight you lost (well not really but it feels like it) and turned 50 without the NYC weekend that was promised (thanks Covid). Other than that, some days just getting out of bed seems something to celebrate but I also did a mini kitchen reno I’m pretty proud of. Can’t wait to hear more about you!
Hey, happy 50th!! And congrats on the kitchen reno—mini or otherwise, that’s something I’m sure makes a positive impact on your life at least once a day. 🙂
How nice to see you pop up in my feed. Kind of amazing the year is wrapping up, but I guess time has lost all meaning so sure. I’m pretty exhausted after going on 9 months with a full-time job and no childcare. I’m grateful I can work from home but wow how are any of us doing this? No matter our situations, this is a bonkers time to be alive. My vote would be for the bathroom chronicles, although the exterior of the house is lovely too.
Oof. Lyndsee, you must be BEYOND exhausted. I don’t know what the word is…decimated?? Not having kids, I can’t even begin to fully appreciate what parents are going through these days. Bonkers, indeed. My hat is off to you.
It has been a bit, but hello again! I am so very sorry for your loss, our family has been lucky to have been spared, so far, but I have family in Missouri and it is bad. I have followed your blog for…oh geez, so_many_years, but I am a nervous, awkward lurker who never comments, terrible I know! I don’t know how to social properly, I guess. This post, how can I say, pretty much spot on to everything this year (even turned 45 this year too, it is very weird when my brain thinks I am still 18 or so). We are busy, yet not_really_busy, just holding the threads of life together in our hands this year, hoping there is still something left to weave into a new existence next year. Everything is just so sad, and terrible, and anger-inducing, and so demanding of everything single emotion I have available to give. I read earlier this year of a service in Iceland that lets you record a scream (or yell or whatever) that is then played on a speaker out into the emptiness of the Icelandic landscape and thought, wow…yes, please sign me up. Anyway! Hot Dog Fritz! Looking forward to any new stuff you want to share, curious about your house (it is charming AF).
I don’t know how to social, either, which is why I need to have a blog. But look! We made it to 45! And we’re ready to scream into an Icelandic void! These are things worthy of recognition!
sending you love and kindness from my heart to yours.
Thank you, Jacqui x
Hello Anna – I also feel very sorry about your family losses. At the same time, I would like to thank you for your frank words. Life has been a rollercoaster in 2020. There are these very sad times that you mentioned and there are better times. I feel sad most of the time, because there is no longer a chance to go back and forth from Germany to Ireland, where my boyfriend lives. It ist tough. We have only met four times in 2020. But I am totally thankful that nobody (neither family nor friends) got sick and try to stay positive. There are some small glimpses appearing at the very dark Corona sky. As much as 2020 was challenging for many people, 2021 will hopefully be the year of improvements. I am happy that your are back blogging. So let me end with a question which has nothing to do with the previous mentionings: Have you painted the outside of your beautiful adobe home white?
Anke, that must be so tough! I hope you and your boyfriend have figured out new ways to communicate and to feel like you’re still present in each other’s lives. I hope the new year is better for you both. (And yes, the house is white now! It’s new stucco, though, not paint.)
I’m so sorry for your losses, Anna. I feel like any loss in this time is worse than ever–being unable to gather with family and friends, not eating and mourning together and using all those traditions to support each other. There is pretty much nothing worse than a Zoom funeral. I’m not sure how families find closure. I cannot imagine how much more difficult to lose a family member to COVID which could have been prevented if our government actually did its job. I feel that same growing sadness–like we’re in the bottom of a deep hole and still digging. Sending you and Fritz light today. To completely switch gears, I want to know your skincare routine at the moment and if you found another good tubing mascara!
Thank you, Abbie—both of my family members were in Sweden, which in many ways has done an even worse job of dealing with Covid than the US has. It’s so maddening that it’s gone this way…so many lives could have been saved. All we can really do is keep moving forward and protect ourselves and our loved ones as best as we can.
As for my current skincare routine, I’m afraid it’s all a bit up in the air at the moment as I’ve gone back to prescription tretinoin in an effort to curb the maskne. The jury is still out as my skin adjusts! Mascara-wise, I’m using this kind from Thrive. I love it!
So glad to see you are back! I love your blog, and I want to read anything you want to write about.
I am so sorry for your losses, it’s heartbreaking that we can’t gather with family and friends to honor our lost ones. It’s too much. Sad is the right word, but is there an appropriate modifier? Incredibly sad? Monumentally sad? I’m struggling with that.
One of the things I do to deal with sadness is bake and eat all the comfort food. Those 50 lbs you have lost? I found 20 of them. I’m guessing you don’t want them back.
I’m also struggling with boredom and financial worry. I sing opera, and my industry, at least in the US, is a goner, while my employer is trying his damndest to use this time to finally make the permanent deep cuts he has always wanted to make to our long fought for union contracts. We have not been paid since March, the extra unemployment money ended long ago and I am now opening up retirement accounts. (And to the people who said that if you lost your job to COVID you should try something else….yeah, that’s easier said than done) So I worry about that.
BUT! In spite of all that sadness and worry, there is hope in our family in the form of a new grandson arriving in April and the fact that the kids are moving back to NY State (near Kingston, in fact) after so many years of being too far away. So I am hopeful about 2021, for our nation and for my family. We will get through this.
Oh my gosh, Rebecca, that must be very scary to have gone for so long without steady income! It’s abhorrent that the US government has essentially done nothing to assist the millions of people who are in your position—and of course those like you who work in the arts are always forgotten. I’m so sorry. Aside from the income loss, I’m sure it’s devastating to not have an outlet for your work. May 2021 bring you new family, closer family, and a venue in which to perform.
Sorry to hear about your family Anna. We are just out of our second lockdown here in Ireland and hoping to share some semblance of Christmas as a result. We shall see what the numbers do. I’m glad to hear you have an abundance of work. Your home is beautiful, please share whatever tickles you! I think I am reading since 2010 so this is our anniversary
Thank you, Gracie—we are back on lockdown here in New Mexico, too, and while that hasn’t changed my own day-to-day activities, it’s awful to see local businesses go through this. There are so many levels of hardship to contend with.
I’m so glad you are back!
Me too, Laura! Fingers crossed that my workload stays steady so I can keep this train rolling. 😉
Hi Anna — Like others have said, I am sorry for your losses. Thanks for being in this space. I am very interested in hearing how you use your Stendig calendar and sticky notes to organize work projects. I also juggle many projects at once for different clients. I love the look of the Stendig but have never figured out how to make it functional for planning. I am always interested in reading whatever you write!
Thanks, Erin! I don’t do anything fancy with the Stendig calendar—I really just use it to keep track of due dates (and anything I might need to plan work-related stuff around, like food delivery or a vet appointment). I write the name of the book on a sticky when it’s assigned to me, and then I move that sticky around on the calendar according to when the next due date is for me. It really helps me to visualize how the week/month is going to pan out with just a glance in a way that a written calendar doesn’t. If I see a lot of neon green clustered around one part of a week, I’ll make a conscious effort to scratch off a couple of those items well in advance—or, if necessary, ask an art director for an extra day or two to meet that deadline. When nothing is due for a given title (but it hasn’t yet been finalized), I move the sticky up to the top of the calendar until it’s back in my court again. So it’s really just about due dates and deadlines!
I should add that I do also keep a written day planner, and that’s where I keep track of what I have to work on every day (including non-work stuff, too).
Hi Anna,
I’m currently reading this because I can’t sleep. Which has been the case for about a week. I’m sad too. My grandma died of Covid in April, and not being able to see my family for Christmas and get some relief breaks my heart. Like you, I am grateful I can work from home and that I have a great partner. Still I’m sad. I have so much work on my plate I feel I can do nothing well enough. I’ve worked six days a week for two or three weeks now. I’m ok. I will be ok anyways. Things seem to get a bit better already. Just wanted to say – reading this did me a lot of good. So thank you for writing this, and sharing. Take care x
Hi Anna,
I’m sorry to hear about your family – such a hard and weird time. Health wise all is well thank goodness- I recently got laid off from my project managing job though so that has been stressful. Worked there for 22 years, so things have changed a bit since I last looked for a job, lol. Trying to just move forward and look at it as a chance for new things, at least between anxiety attacks. I’m glad to see you here. Always love to see what you are up to. Would love to see what’s going on in your bathroom. Stay well!
Grinding your teeth to a powder. Yup.
News feeds at 3am. Check.
Sooo nice to hear from you. Nudge your friend, Daniel. Miss him too.
Take care, Anna. ❤️
It’s lovely to see you back in this space! There’s so much to respond to. I’m so sorry for your family’s losses. Grief at this time is even worse because we can’t gather to support each other as we normally would. I’m so glad to read of your professional successes! Congratulations! You’re so talented, and that is obviously being recognized.
How nice to see your post and read your honest words. This year time seams to go really fast and at the same time really slow. I have always like your style, so seeing both post of new projects or summer outside will be great! Hugging you from afar
it has been a rough year, and I don’t blame you for taking time away from your blog. but I’m happy to see you back! I’m looking forward to posts about your exterior updates, particularly your windows. that must have been quite a lot of work! the house looks really beautiful.
where did you find your living room rug? I love it!
So happy you’re back! 🙂 And I’m sorry for the loss of your family members. Very much looking forward to seeing more renovations updates! No pressure if you’d rather not, but I always loved your past outfit posts and found your personal style gave me ideas for myself. That said, working from home isn’t entirely conducive to getting dressed, anyway…
Really glad you’re back, and sending you healing for the many losses this year. To say “sad” is just about right. Sad and surreal. Thinking about March and watching our state get shut down, I thought, “a couple weeks, maybe a month.” And now this still…But somehow we’re all getting through? Barely, in some cases, but still doing it? I’m glad you’re getting through. Thank you for being here. <3
My heart aches with sadness for your family’s losses. This is such a terrible year. I am hopeful that 2021 will bring better days. Like you, I’ve lost family members to the virus; also some friends and coworkers. I caught it at work and was sick for 8 weeks. I have mostly recovered, although my taste and smell are still not back to normal, and I have a weird heart racy thing. It could have been worse, and I am grateful.
I’m so glad you’re back! And so sorry for your losses.
My saving grace of the year is that I have breakfast with my daughter since I no longer have a long commute, and every time I’m exhausted and overwhelmed I try to focus on that. And my other coping mechanism is seeking out some form of natural beauty every day. It helps, sometimes! 🙂 Good luck to everyone out there!
Another long time follower here who also turned 45 in this crazy year. I’m grateful to live in New Zealand where the “go hard, go early” lockdown has meant that daily life has returned to normal. I follow the situation in the US with such anger and sadness. Here’s hoping a new administration brings relief. Lockdown was followed by my partner of 17 years (and dad to my 3 kids) leaving. Then I broke my ankle goofing around on a skateboard 2 months ago with the kids. Post-surgical complications mean I’m not dealing with chronic pain while I learn to walk again. Honestly, 2020 has a lot to answer for. I’m sorry that you’ve lost family to covid. I’m glad you’ve had work for financial security and to keep you busy. I look forward to more blog posts, whatever they may be about.
“Now” dealing with chronic pain.
I wish “not”!
I am sorry for your losses, Anna. I lost my beloved long-time therapist in the spring, which was very hard. I do not know if she died of COVID or not, because there was no obituary and no funeral or memorial service of any kind, which makes it feel rather surreal. It is hard to cope with so much loss and pain in the world. But, as someone who has long struggled with depression and processing trauma, it is strange and disconcerting to watch while much of the country (and world) now deals with challenges I have been dealing with for a long time. Everyone is talking about mental health now. Even my employer at least pretends to care about it, which feels so performative, because they have given very little acknowledgement to mental heal in the past. I vacillate between “This is my moment! I have wisdom and experience and coping techniques to share with the world!” and “WTF? Why does everybody suddenly give a f**k about this? Where was all this understanding of trauma and mental health when I needed it?”
I’m sorry for your losses, Anna, and congratulations for your successes. I’m lucky to be on the same side as you, aon the working from home front, and being sequestered with someone we each really get along with is really fortunate!
I am truly sorry to hear about your family members – I hope you will be able to grieve in person with family safely soon. I’m glad to “hear” your voice again – I always look forward to your posts on design and home topics. You have a great eye. Happy Solstice!
Holy shit I feel like I’ve done just about nothing compared to your list! What does it mean if I require 9+ hours of sleep per night!? I am thrilled to have you back 🙂
Peace and hugs. I need to sign up for your feeds again. I have been an avid follower for years. So glad to see you are back. This year is surreal. Being social was always a challenge and this year I have an excuse. The problem is…..friends have disappeared. Were they really friends then? I don’t know. I have tried to reach out, texting, called a few, sent Christmas cards. Nothing, guess my radical liberalism sent everyone running. I’m here in GA, land of denialism as far as Covid. Here’s to a better 2021 and therapy.
Crazy year, but I got to move back to the U.S. work remotely, and be with my college-age kids. I think it will be an interesting time for us to look back on, as long as everyone makes it through the next few months. How the heck did you lose 50 pounds?!
I’m SO glad you’re back, and ever more, that you’re well and thriving (at least on some fronts). So happy to see you again online; hopefully we are on the cusp of things getting back to normal (ish).