This photo was taken right after I turned 19 years old. I was a sophomore in college. It was Thanksgiving weekend, and I’d taken a trip to my tiny hometown, Rhinebeck. My mother had moved away following my high school graduation, but I posed in front of the house that I lived in for eight years prior.
I looked exactly how I wanted to then. That’s not to say that I felt particularly self-confident—I didn’t—but I had the haircut I wanted, the clothes I wanted, and the makeup I wanted. The nosering I wanted, too.
Truth be told, my style isn’t that much different now. I still favor shapeless cardigans with extra-long sleeves, black and white paired with a bit of pattern, layers, leggings, and boots (you can’t see them here, but I was wearing this great pair of black canvas French ranger boots). My haircut and color are roughly the same, though I no longer shave the sides (I do think about it…). Okay, so my nosering is long gone and my clothes are less tattered, but all in all, I haven’t really progressed that much style-wise in the past 17 years.
See what I mean?
I can remember being a teenager and wondering what I’d be like as an adult. Would I have a job that required me to wear a suit…or worse, pantyhose? Would I eventually stop dying my hair black? Would the day come when black nail polish no longer felt appropriate? Would I be…”normal”?!?! (No, no, no, and no.)
I like who I was when I was 19. Sure, if I could live my life over again I’d probably do some things differently, but I knew who I was and the general shape of what I believed in from a pretty early age. I’m thankful for that. It also matters to me that 19-year-old Anna would have liked 35-year-old Anna, and I don’t just mean in terms of clothing.
I’m still waiting to become an adult, though, frankly. Somehow I always imagined that there would be a day after which I would be a grown-up, but that hasn’t happened yet. Sometimes I look around me and am shocked that I own a home and drink coffee in the mornings. I mean, how did I get here? And am I really old enough to have a glass of wine with dinner? Well, as long as my hair dye is now covering gray roots as well as brown, the answer is decidedly yes.
But then I look over at my cute boyfriend husband and the Morrissey poster hanging above our bed, and I’m a teenager all over again.
82 Comments
i love your posts. you are exactly who you are supposed to be. thank goodness for that. 🙂
I was just thinking about how when I was a teenager I was SURE that being a ‘grown-up’ would feel distinctly different. Like I’d wake up one day and just…be ADULT!
Apparently not! I mean, sure, there’s less eyeliner, and I frame my posters now, but I also still eat breakfast for dinner, wear 95% black, and listen to New Order all the damn time.
for what its worth, my almost 27 year old self suddenly feels a lot better about being Adult. Fingers crossed I hit 35 this stylishly.
this made me smile a big smile…and feel a bittersweet twinge when i think back to my 19 year old self. even as big life moments occur, i still think: duuuude, i’m a grown-up?!? i hope i hold onto that until i’m grey and wrinkly.
I think being ‘adult’ is letting responsibility crush you down into a beige dullsome cube, Anna. I assumed this would happen with children … nope! I also worried my jaunt to living in the burbs would do the same … nope! Also at 35, I’m not sure it’s gonna happen at all.
(Or maybe it’s just colourful looking outside my beige cube!!! To others maybe I am just that.)
You have great style, ’94 and ’11. I also think the style I’m intrinsically drawn to was pretty much cemented in my teen years, maybe 1990. Bold print, block colour, and mod 60s referencing.
awww look at you anna…the eyes are totally different..but love the look of black.
It’s really interesting to hear you describe yourself at 19 versus today. I often feel the same way (I’m 35 too), like “is this really MY house?” All I wanted when I was younger was freedom to do what I wanted to do, and I’m happy that I have it as an adult.
I do often think about the person I was as a teenager, and have the same realisation that I’m essentially the same person, just a little more calm and self-assured. But I think my goth punk 19 yr old self would ask my 33 yr old self how she ended up being married to a nerdy attorney hehe 🙂
My 19 year old is still inside too, a bit more refined and less worried about what others think. I admire you and your seemingly constant inner awareness of who you are….from 19 to 35. I still am trying to figure out who I really am at 40….gulp do a few wrinkles and a few gray hairs make you an adult?…what kind of sick joke is that.
“Would I have a job that required me to wear a suit…or worse, pantyhose?” Ugh – pantyhose is my #1 nightmare!
I’ve been having similar thoughts, re. being a ‘grown up’. This week my partner and I signed up for health care, paid more taxes than we’ve ever paid in our lives, and are discussing the pros and cons of entering into a mortgage. I could easily post a similar photo of myself ten years back, only with bleached out hair (also shaved on the sides) and tattered jeans.
What’s awesome is that we didn’t ever grow out of who we actually are, we’ve just grown up. And grown up to be… ourselves.
Man, I love this post. I often think what teenage me would have thought of present me, and though I changed a lot i think essentially I’m doing what I always wanted to.
Your style may have not changed dramatically, Anna, but it looks like it evolved over time.
I love this post! Omg, I always wonder when I’ll be grown up and then I realize that I’m older than most of the people around me! I wasn’t very confident at 19, nor did I find my own style until a few years later, but I’m happy that I’ve never worn pantyhose or a suit. Hooray for that!
Really nice post 🙂 I often feel somewhat the same thing.
I love this post! I was 16 when I met my now-husband, and because of that, time kind of froze there, lol. Now I’m 28 and a mother of two, but I still wear my (“vintage” now?) White Zombie t-shirts and jeans, with band and movie posters all over the walls of our house. I was having a conversation with my dad one day, and I said “It’s weird. I still feel like I’m 16 years old and doing all these ‘grown-up’ things seems really bizarre and awkward,” and he said, “Yeah, that never goes away.”
You look so much softer now, even if your style has remaind the same. There is a hardness, and edge to your younger self. Maybe that’s just the normal teen angst shining through 😉
I don’t think we ever feel like ‘grown ups’ My 63 year old mother in law tells me she still feels the same as she did when she was 25, it’s just the body that makes you feel old….
You’ve inspired me to resurrect an old post of a similar vein 🙂
everyone I know that is my age or older tells me the same thing, they are still waiting to go up and are surprised when they look in the mirror and see this “adult” looking back at them. I wonder if we ever get to feel grown up. I’m still waiting.
lovely post.
What a great post! I def think my 19yr old self would like my 32yr old self…what an encouraging thought!
I love this, what a gal.
If you don’t mind me saying, look how adorable you were at 19!
I love this post. A few days ago I was meeting a friend, who I’ve known since high school, for dinner. I got out of the subway and was suddenly amazed at my life, from the perspective of myself as a teenager. Me living in an apartment downtown, this friend living downtown too, the two of us meeting for dinner like real grown-ups. Actually, just before reading this post, I was looking at a picture of myself at 17 and thinking about how much more I related to her than I did to the me of 22. I think high school me and now-me would get on like a house on fire.
Hah, sorry for the babbling, but I love talking about things like this! I think you’ve inspired me to continue the rambling on my own blog, actually.
As a goth/punk there was a time when I made an actual attempt to “dress normal”, cos I was so sick of the stares and the comments. I remember I got completely confused with all the colours and conventions and didn’t know where to start. These days, ten years later, I still dress mainly in black and the influences that inspired me then are still there, though channeled differently. You can never get away from yourself, which though sometimes tedious and unappreciated is a gift.
On another note, the other (sleepless) night I found your dad’s 21 thoughts about art on your Flickr and did blog about them – one especially – a little. I hope that’s okay with you. And thanks for the action of posting them! They are inspiring.
I sort of cringe thinking of my younger self. I am only now feeling like a confident women at 30. Only now am I flourishing as a women getting my clothes, hair, some makeup right. Love this post.
I don’t know if that feeling of “is this my life” ever goes away. I’m soon to be 49 and frankly feel like I’m more like my mid-20s nieces. Maybe it’s the fact that we don’t have kids, we still rent, and I work with people younger than myself. Even my co-worker (who is 1/2 my age) says sometimes she thinks I’m younger than she is.
I don’t think it’s a bad thing AT ALL. Looking at your two pictures, I think you are maturing wonderfully. You are staying hip without being too trendy, you are doing what you like with who you like, and you don’t appear to be stuck in any sort of self-destructive rut.
Keep on keepin’ on!
I will soon be 61 and I still don’t feel like a grownup. I have two spectacular daughters who are convinced I’m really still 6. (I tend to agree.) Anyway, maybe when I’m 62…
Or not 😉
there’s not much else i can say other than i can COMPLETELY relate.
this was a lovely post to see right now.
There is a Canadian TV show that’s available on Hulu called “Being Erica” which this post makes me think of… she’s a 32-year-old who has, um, a magic therapist who sends her back in time to “undo” past regrets. So she gets to become her younger self — same wardrobe and everything! — at various ages. It’s regrettably hosted on the Soap channel, but it’s actually quite well-done and funny.
Here’s to looking and feeling really young! 45 going on 26 here. I look & feel young and always will. (thanks to shiseido & a young attitude) I am always amazed when I meet a new colleague who was born in 1988. It’s bizarre! I graduated high school in 1983 in lace stockings,black & white, & blue highlights..
Love your look!
So funny, my Dad brought up a box of my high school photo albums this weekend ( he wanted them out of his house, one way I know I have grown up parents want your stuff out of thier house and into your own), but I went down the same memory lane. I really haven’t changed that much except I eat healthier, and I exercise more. those pounds don’t fall off at 40 like they did at 20.
you are awesome.
and i have to say, i definitely like myself and my style more at 34 than i did at 19!
you are adorable at any age! 🙂 (I know I’m supposed to say edgy, but I see adorable)
I don’t think I’ve ever successfully managed to pull off “edgy”! I think my head is too round or something.
“Growing older is inevitable, but you can be immature indefinitly”
Todays my 34 birthday, I can’t say that Im exactly who/where I want to be, but like you, I am often shocked to realize that this is my stuff, in my very own apartment!
Platinum blonde pixie hair, converse shoes, and sunscreen 🙂
I remember thinking 40 was old and now I’m 35 and the closer I inch toward 40 the more bewildered I get because it’s not old at all. And I still feel like I’m 25 not 35. Sure I have a mortgage and a job and bills to pay but I still don’t feel ready to have a kid and give up the little “freedom” I have left. sigh. I have two dogs and they alone run me ragged.
Great post! I’ll be 28 this year, and I don’t feel like an adult most days either. Even after owning a house, getting married, and yes, drinking coffee every morning, it amazes me that I still feel like I am a 19 year old. I’ve often wondered if having children changes that for more people. Either way, I am enjoying being in that stage between young adult and “real” grown up and old! hehe Hope you keep enjoying your time too!
What a great post. I still remember the first time I was called “Ma’am”. I felt like turning around and looking to see if someone was behind me.
I love, love, love this post! I have been thinking about this subject quite a bit lately.
My Mom had me when she was 46 years old and I am pretty sure when she had a teenage daughter when she was well into her 60s, that she never saw herself as old or as adult for that matter. Therefore, I never saw her as old! I think it really is all just a state of mind.
Again, love the blog and love the post!
Cheers!!
This is such a sweet post. I have all those same wonderings. I hope that i am as happy as you are with yourself by the time that i reach the age of 35.
Seriously love this blog.
Really inspired me to redecorate our apartment.
And by the way: some nice finnish eco-friendly hats etc here:
http://www.costo.fi/
Absolutely great hats and very necessary in the cold (-22 degrees) streets of Helsinki!
I love your posts. If it helps, I just turned 40. I don’t feel 40. I don’t think I look 40. I think my perception of age is starting to skew though.
This was lovely. You are lovely. Such style, such courage of your convictions. I admire the fact that you have stayed true to yourself and that the you of yesteryear is someone you’d still like to know, and someone who would like you now too. That’s not something everyone can say about themselves.
jbhat
When I was about 12, my idea of a grown up self confident girl was … 14. Now I´m 47 and I´m pretty sure that “normal” does not exist, even behind pantyhoses, suits or mortgages.
You are what you are, allways, no matter the age.
Great post. I echo many other comments when I say I don’t feel my age, either. I think my 15 year old self would love my Frye boots, but maybe not my “mom” underwear. Oh, and I got “proofed” at a bar not long ago – while standing next to a 22 year old co-worker. It made my day!
I think you’re right on with this. Your age must be a state of mind.
What a sweet post! I know–I’m a few years older than you, and it’s totally that Talking Heads song a lot of the time. “You may ask youself, how did I get here?” I’m glad I did, but I STILL don’t really feel like a grown-up and I’m a mom now. It’s very odd. I wonder if I’m going to be 80, feeling like I’m 20 inside.
I totally empathize with this post. I am 30 and I keep wondering when I will feel like a grown up. I do lots of grown up things, but I still feel like I did when I was in college…
I totally relate. Sometimes I feel like I’m 7 inside, sometimes 15, and sometimes 23. I never feel like 35. I often feel awkward around adults and wonder if they realize I’m secretly still a kid!
You look like Noomi Repace! Just a bit. It may be partly just because of the black eyeliner and hair, but I actually think you resemble her beyond that as well. This post was fun to read- I swear I have the exact same thoughts. Also, being the youngest of four ensures that I will ALWAYS be a little kid- I still get teased, reprimanded, and worried over as if I were 13 years old and on the verge of making bad life-ruining decisions. But as annoying as it is, I wouldn’t change it. 🙂
Your 19 year old self looks so familiar to me! I wonder if we crossed paths at some point in our lives. I’m older than you – as I graduated college in 1991, but then went to graduate school in 1994 – so….maybe we attended the same school then? I attended both suny new paltz for undergrad, student taught in Newburgh and then went to Pratt.
Jill, I went to SUNY Purchase (undergrad) from 1993-1998, but I spent a LOT of time in New Paltz in the early ’90s—mainly Rhino Records and Cheap Jack’s. Did you frequent either place? I can’t think of anywhere else we could have met. I didn’t move to Newburgh until 2006, and I never went to Pratt…
It must have been at Rhino Records. Or maybe at Convenient 🙂 Or Ames! When I saw your pic, I thought of New Paltz first. How funny!
I don’t know what Convenient or Ames are, so Rhino it is! 🙂
think there’s a difference between feeling old and feeling grown up. i don’t feel old, and hope i never do, but i did start to feel grown up when i became a parent. a good grown up that makes me very happy to be given the responsibility to help my own children…grow up!
Anna, you inspire me so much! I’ve been reading your blog for about a year, and every time you post I can’t help but think (hope?) about how alike we are.
It was such a treat seeing “Teenager You”, and notable that Teenager You and Teenager Me were decidedly NOT alike! I was a very girly wannabe Prom Queen type, but even back then I would have secretly wanted to be your best friend.
I love this post! First, I think I had those plaid leggings – awesome!
Second, I was just thinking the same thing this morning .. I tossed on an oversize button down shirt and leggings, looked in the mirror and thought how funny I wore the exact same thing in college. Only then it was plaid flannel button down and now it’s crisp black Eileen Fisher. I don’t know if I’ve had the same style this whole time or if it’s just come full circle…
P.S. L O V E your scarf. I am gaga for herringbone these days!
They’re actually little plaid shorts worn over black leggings, but I did used to have a pair of plaid tights! 🙂
Love those plaid tights! Great old photo too!! Care to share where you got that fabulous scarf?? ; )
H&M! It’s huuuuuuuge. I call it my “blarf” because it’s more like a blanket. 🙂
I’ve said it once before and I’ll say it again – you are easily one of the prettiest girls ever. (I’m sorry, I know that makes you want to hide under the sofa). You also can’t be 35! You look so young!
Thank you, Christian—but you’re right, hearing that does make me want to hide under the sofa and never leave the house again!
Just had to look up where the Rhinebeck is on google maps… I was 18 in 1994, living in Reading, just outside London. But my first love was Prince – and then I swiftly moved on to the Smiths too.
I wonder what the 18/19 year old me would make of the (just) mother-of-two 35 yr old me. She’d approve that on the night my daughter was born I listened to ‘Strangeways Here We Come’ on my ipod – it was always the album I played in the middle of the night when I was a teenager.
Out of interest did you like the Stone Roses, or even later the Streets?
(oh yes and now I’m trying to do up an old house too… I’ll just keep following in your footsteps… sorry)!
I love this post. Thank you.
ugh i love this. i really, really love it.
Anna, thank you. I really super needed this today, and you did it eloquently and beautifully. Thanks again.
You are so lucky to be know your style! I’m fickle and have been all over the map in that department. Also, I laughed really hard when you said you can’t believe you own a house and drink coffee. Sometimes, when I’m washing dishes, I’m blown away that I’m washing dishes in the house I own. MY house. Not my parent’s house. It still really freaks me out.
I don’t feel old, but the moment I felt grown up and got a major childhood over vibe was when my Mother died. I have spoken to others who have lost a parent and they agree that it somehow sends you to the adult dimension.
For me having children changed a lingering internalized feeling of not really being an “adult” . Ownership and other responsibilities did nothing to make me feel grown up, giving birth did it for me!
I’ve noticed people with a personal “style” as an adolescent, continue to have a defined style about them forever. No matter what their career.
You got it at 19 you have it at 35, 45, 50, 70…
Anna, I think the thing is that when we were young, there were definite lines that defined ‘child’ and ‘teenager’ and ‘adult’ and grown ups were perceived to be people who were sensible and worked hard all the time. They felt the weight of responsibility, and dealt with it in a different way. Now the line has blurred and you can be an adult, have a responsible job, a mortage and still be yourself. There is no ‘I am a grown up, I must dress, act and live like a grown up’ now.
I am glad, as an adult (and a grown up), that I live in a world where I can have a very responsible job but that i can still dress like me, and go home and spend the weekend going to gigs and dancing with my friends (and husband). Like you, I dress like (and am) the slightly more refined version of 19 year old, punk kid me. She would like 28 year old me too. 🙂
I love your posts like this! I am not sure what it will take for me to feel like an adult, but it hasn’t hit yet, and I am 28.
I know this is not a new post, but I wanted to tell you there’s a character on Portlandia tonight that looks lamost just like you! I don’t mean that as anything bad – you should check it out! It’s crazy.
Keep being your awesome self!
I still haven’t watched that show, but now I’m curious! Do you know which episode number it was?
Never mind, I just realized you can’t watch the show online for free. Oh well!
The same episode will come on again Tuesday night at 9:30 Eastern. You look better, but it’s crazy!
FYI – It wasn’t the best episode ever if you do watch it; if you feel like ever going back somehow (I’ve tried online, too), the first or second ones are pretty good.
Thanks for not thinking I’m a stalker! I also tweeted the same message to you, but I realized my tweets are protected, and you probably don’t follow me. I figured this was the best way to get a message to you. 🙂
I don’t have cable, so if I watch TV, it has to be online. I’m sure the show will be online eventually, though. 🙂
I think it’s wonderful how you seem to have known yourself at an early age, and how that person has evolved into who and how you are today. I wish I had that strong of a sense of self at nineteen.
But I completely know what you mean about the adult thing. Maybe being a grown-up means you can still remember exactly what it feels like to be thirteen. That’s the way it is for me, anyway : )
I think the adage is true: “Give me a child until he is seven and I will show you the man” After all, this inspired the Michael Apted Seven Up series
I think if you are taught certain things and they are instilled upon you from an early age, then they stay with you for life.
I don’t think you change drastically from your early self, at least with my thoughts, outlook on life (born underdog/ pessimist) and values. I’m still the same person as I was at 19, than I am now at 42.
Sure, people have to conform to a certain extent, get jobs, wear crappy corporate uniforms and some choose to marry and procreate. But you are still YOU, under all that other stuff that happens along the way.
Anna, I think you might be interested in this photography project It’s really fascinating to look at the participants with 20 year time spans and beyond…
I can’t bother to read through 72 comments, thus I am probably saying the exact same thing someone else has said. BUT! this post made me smile. thanks for sharing your thoughts. you’re a thinker aren’t you! I think we’d be friends.
best,
Anna
So many nice and sweet comments. I want to leave one too. Hello pretty Anna!
Oh, hello beautiful Elisabeth! 🙂
hey! I was going through your posts again and I realized that wow! you can t be over 25 and that we have the exact same chairs in my parent s place! do you know where you got them or who mades them?
Which chairs, Stefanie? I have a LOT of chairs in my house! 🙂
the ones behind you and your “blarf” ! 😛
Oh, haha! That’s actually in the women’s bathroom at my office…not at my house! Sorry, it didn’t even occur to me that there are chairs in this post. 😀
Anyway, they’re most likely copies of a design by Mart Stam (contested in court to have been designed by Marcel Breuer, but that’s a whole other story). Either way, they were designed at the Bauhaus in the late 1920s!
i wish every teenage girl (ever) read your blog. such a great voice for them to hear.
You’re beautiful :^).